


:(

by Lightw99d



Category: N/A - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 10:00:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24469138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lightw99d/pseuds/Lightw99d
Summary: I really don't know. Random drabble about how much I suck? and not in a cool way.





	:(

A fight against every instinct. Denial on every level.

Your first crush is a memorable thing. She knew she didn’t catch feelings easily, even as a child. She was shy, and riddled with anxiety. He was a friend, and switched schools by the age of nine. She forgot about him.

Then was a friend, there since she was four. She was even more shy and anxious than before, and uncomfortable with her changing body. He was tall and kind, but he too left, at the age of ten.

She started high school at eleven. He was one of her first friends. He was funny, and popular, and somewhat cruel. She was terrified and filled with self-hatred. He was mean to others but not to her, yet she knew she shouldn’t like someone who could be that way. So she stopped talking to him.

Her next crush was soon after, perhaps only months later. He was funny, and kind, and beautiful. They were friends when they were eleven. It was a strong feeling she hadn’t felt before. But by the age of thirteen she hated the way she felt about him. He had called her names, and she had gone mad. She wanted to hate him with all her heart, but even after everything she couldn’t stop the way she felt about him. She controlled and distinguished those feelings by the age of fifteen.

At the age of sixteen she met him. Smart, funny, a little dorky. He had been a great friend – he was kind, and could always tell if she was upset and needed a hug. She was lonely, she had a few friends but in her final year of school she felt more alone than she ever had. He had paid attention to her – and she had taken that as something more. She was rejected and wrong, but she did not care at all. Because she had lost something more.

She had lost her. She met her when they were eleven. She became her friend at twelve. Somewhere between twelve and sixteen she had fallen for her, and hadn’t realized until she was seventeen. Her best friend once, an old friend now. While she knew she was bisexual and had come out in high school she never acted on those feelings. The feelings she had for her were far too real, more real than she could handle. She didn’t want to lose her. But in being too scared she lost her too, in following around those boys she lost her too. Any way she could think of, in all possible scenarios she was scared she would lose her – and she did.

Nineteen, twenty in two weeks. No friends, no money, no first kiss or first love. Full of regrets and mistakes.


End file.
